I've noticed that if you regularly read a blog written by a mother in the throes of motherhood, and that blog goes dark, then that mother has probably had a baby. Or is having one. Childbirth, from conception to the sixth or seventh or eighth month out of the womb, sucks a massive amount of life from the mother. That is, life outside the home.
I currently live in this stage, as evidenced by the lack of activity on this blog. I'm in that phase where I feel like I have nothing left to offer the world, unless anyone wants to discuss nap schedules, potty training or infant milestones. And there are so many blogs about that, that I have nothing to offer this blog.
The problem is I feel like I have nothing to offer my real, physical world either. The world outside my home. I go to church, which is the one place where I might find some socialization, and I feel paralyzed, because I have nothing to offer. I don't even know what questions to ask, which bites because asking questions is how you get into the world of others. Everyone is living their lives, and mine is full of the newborn mundane. I am a Grade-A Introvert, and as such I have a hard time finding and cultivating friendships. And in this phase I'm afraid that all the fragile friendships I've managed to sprout over the past couple of years are going to wither and die or move on without me as I'm wading through this murky time. My husband says real friends will understand why I'm hermited up right now, but even understanding friends need to move on with their lives. So will there be a place for me when I come out, or will I have to start from scratch?
Our church had a women's retreat this past weekend. I didn't go because a) I have an 11-week-old infant and b) I don't really like those kind of things anyway. But of course as I look at their pictures and hear their stories, I feel so left out. I'm not blaming anyone; it's my choice. But it's not just the retreat. It's life that I feel left out of. And I feel paralyzed to know where to jump in.
I love my baby (and girls) with my whole heart. I love being their mommy and some days feel like I'm pretty good at it. But being a mommy doesn't fill me completely, and it shouldn't. I know I need to make connections, but I have no idea how to start.
Thankfully this third time around has brought the perspective that life won't always be like this. But even that is a scary thought, since I don't remember how I came out of it the first two times.
Such is the armpit of motherhood.
I'm not fishing, by the way. Just sharing my thoughts.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Friday, November 9, 2012
Post-Election Disappointment
I fully realize what this blog has been lately: mostly silent, unless I'm feeling the need to vent my opinion. You may hate that. And that's okay. I give you permission to leave this page right now. I honestly feel better writing things out and sending them into the internet void, which is probably a huge problem with blogs in the first place. But you've been warned. So go if you have to. And never read this blog again, if you feel the need. I'm prepared for that response.
Clearly from the title of this post the election did not go the way I had hoped and prayed. In fact, if you want the honest truth, only TWO of the things I voted for went the way I voted. That is so disheartening. It feels like I submitted my ballot, someone looked at it and said, "We don't care" and threw it in the trash.
But another big blow is the way we've all been kicked when we're down. Lovely, lovely Facebook. A place for us to stay connected to people we really enjoyed in the past. A place where people far and wide feel the right to speak into your life when they've long ago lost that right.
I wish the election would have gone differently. But I also wish the people I call my friends would have reacted differently more. Most post-election updates were, "Buck up! Respect the vote! Why so negative!" All of them failing to realize how close the election truly was, and that while the president won by a majority, it was a teeny tiny majority. Almost as many people were bummed as were happy. While I (sort of) understand our electoral system, it doesn't seem right to crow "the people have spoken!" when really such a small majority did. I was prayerful all day Tuesday, praying for the results, and praying how after a hopeful Romney win we could all figure out a way to slowly make things work for everyone. But even now, the winners do not seem interested in that; they just feel that just because a little over 3,000,000 people feel the way they do, then what they think is best for the rest of 49%. Again, I realize that if the election had gone my way, those others would be feeling the way I do now, and that doesn't make me happy either. But it stinks to be on this side.
But mostly I wish my Facebook "friends" had had the decency to let us just lick our wounds and commiserate with each other for a day or two or three. We all know what an emotionally charged election this was. I appreciate honest and candid emotions rather than fake, plastic "buck up" messages. We're disappointed, people. You don't tell a mother who has just miscarried that her baby is better off in heaven, and you don't tell someone who just experienced a huge blow to get over it.
My point is, if you call yourself a friend, and yes, even a Facebook friend, then act like one. Give your friends space to grieve. Just because your guy won does NOT mean we have to be happy about it. Just because my guy lost does NOT mean that the very next day I need to put on a happy face and toast you with your champagne. Our country was at a huge fork in the road, and 58,000,000 Americans feel like we are headed in a direction that will mean bad, bad things for our future. Now that you know that, how you respond says more about YOUR character than it does about ours. Democrats are supposed to the party that "cares about other people." Prove it.
Clearly from the title of this post the election did not go the way I had hoped and prayed. In fact, if you want the honest truth, only TWO of the things I voted for went the way I voted. That is so disheartening. It feels like I submitted my ballot, someone looked at it and said, "We don't care" and threw it in the trash.
But another big blow is the way we've all been kicked when we're down. Lovely, lovely Facebook. A place for us to stay connected to people we really enjoyed in the past. A place where people far and wide feel the right to speak into your life when they've long ago lost that right.
I wish the election would have gone differently. But I also wish the people I call my friends would have reacted differently more. Most post-election updates were, "Buck up! Respect the vote! Why so negative!" All of them failing to realize how close the election truly was, and that while the president won by a majority, it was a teeny tiny majority. Almost as many people were bummed as were happy. While I (sort of) understand our electoral system, it doesn't seem right to crow "the people have spoken!" when really such a small majority did. I was prayerful all day Tuesday, praying for the results, and praying how after a hopeful Romney win we could all figure out a way to slowly make things work for everyone. But even now, the winners do not seem interested in that; they just feel that just because a little over 3,000,000 people feel the way they do, then what they think is best for the rest of 49%. Again, I realize that if the election had gone my way, those others would be feeling the way I do now, and that doesn't make me happy either. But it stinks to be on this side.
But mostly I wish my Facebook "friends" had had the decency to let us just lick our wounds and commiserate with each other for a day or two or three. We all know what an emotionally charged election this was. I appreciate honest and candid emotions rather than fake, plastic "buck up" messages. We're disappointed, people. You don't tell a mother who has just miscarried that her baby is better off in heaven, and you don't tell someone who just experienced a huge blow to get over it.
My point is, if you call yourself a friend, and yes, even a Facebook friend, then act like one. Give your friends space to grieve. Just because your guy won does NOT mean we have to be happy about it. Just because my guy lost does NOT mean that the very next day I need to put on a happy face and toast you with your champagne. Our country was at a huge fork in the road, and 58,000,000 Americans feel like we are headed in a direction that will mean bad, bad things for our future. Now that you know that, how you respond says more about YOUR character than it does about ours. Democrats are supposed to the party that "cares about other people." Prove it.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
A Crisis of Conviction {Or, Why I Get So Cranky This Time of Year}
I hate this time of year. Yes, I mean hate and all the ugliness that comes along with that word. When I found out a couple of years ago that I was going to have a baby in the month of October my first thought was, "WHY??? Why can't it be any other month of the year?" Oh, I love the weather and I love the colors on the trees and I love the return of football and I love the back-to-school feelings even though I haven't participated in back-to-school festivities in years. But it's all been poisoned by Halloween. Even my sweet Honey Pie's October 14th birthday is overshadowed by it.
In case you haven't picked up on it, we don't celebrate Halloween in our house.
There is nothing fun or funny or good about celebrating a holiday dedicated to celebrating all things death, darkness and fear. Fear is not funny. My daughter should not have to walk by the Halloween aisle and say, "It's okay! I can try to be brave!" From the very beginnings of Halloween, there has been nothing redeeming about it. And don't say all the candy. I have read more than one article in parenting magazines about good ways to exchange your kids' candy for healthy things after a few days, which always makes me wonder why those particular parents thought it would be fun for their kids to go begging door to door for candy that they were going to take away in the first place.
Simply getting candy is not a good reason to participate in things that basically give the middle finger to God's goodness. I believe that Halloween violates 1 John 1:5. If there is no darkness in God, and Halloween glorifies darkness, how can it be of God? And since there is no part of Halloween that is from God, then, as a Christian, it would violate Romans 12:2 to participate. Talk about conforming to the world.
But we're not really to the part that makes me cranky. The part that makes me cranky is the fact that I'm pretty sure that 100% of the Christian culture feels the opposite. And I'm sure you'll never believe me now, but I am not judging Christians who participate in Halloween. That's where my crisis of conviction comes in. And it makes me cranky.
I know so many God-loving, Christ-following believers who dress up their kids on Halloween and post pictures for the world to see, and I have no doubt in my mind that when they stand before the Lord, He'll still say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." He most likely won't say, "Wow, you did so great, except for once a year when you celebrated Halloween." So why can't I feel the same freedom to do the same? Every single year I tell myself, "I should cave. This is ridiculous. I'm not making a difference; I'm simply depriving my children of a common childhood ritual." But I feel no peace after that conversation. So I suck it up and pray the month of October away, and breathe a little easier on November 1st.
Verses come to mind, like 1 Corinthians 10:23 (“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.) and Romans 8:1 (Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus) and those verses seem to war within me.
I don't really know what to do. Our church is putting together an incredible family night for the 31st that involves trunk or treating, and it logically sounds like a great idea. But how will the world know we are different if we act just like them? I know it is an extremely popular thing for the church to be culturally relevant these days, but that seems to be a slippery slope to me. Then I have Pumpkin Pie wistfully saying, "I hope I get to wear a cost-yume someday" each time we walk by the multitude of displays in all the stores these days. There is nothing like feeling like a big jerk for depriving your kids of something.
Would Jesus have gone to a Halloween party? I don't know. Would he have stayed home and handed out candy to kids? I don't know. I do know He probably wouldn't have stood on a corner and told all the dressed up kids that they were on a highway to hell, and that's not what I'm trying to do either. I honestly just needed an outlet for this battle that goes on in my head and heart every single year. I'm trying to channel my energy into planning a birthday party for my sweet almost 2-year-old.
And I'm praying for grace every day. For me, and for me to have for everyone else.
In case you haven't picked up on it, we don't celebrate Halloween in our house.
There is nothing fun or funny or good about celebrating a holiday dedicated to celebrating all things death, darkness and fear. Fear is not funny. My daughter should not have to walk by the Halloween aisle and say, "It's okay! I can try to be brave!" From the very beginnings of Halloween, there has been nothing redeeming about it. And don't say all the candy. I have read more than one article in parenting magazines about good ways to exchange your kids' candy for healthy things after a few days, which always makes me wonder why those particular parents thought it would be fun for their kids to go begging door to door for candy that they were going to take away in the first place.
Simply getting candy is not a good reason to participate in things that basically give the middle finger to God's goodness. I believe that Halloween violates 1 John 1:5. If there is no darkness in God, and Halloween glorifies darkness, how can it be of God? And since there is no part of Halloween that is from God, then, as a Christian, it would violate Romans 12:2 to participate. Talk about conforming to the world.
But we're not really to the part that makes me cranky. The part that makes me cranky is the fact that I'm pretty sure that 100% of the Christian culture feels the opposite. And I'm sure you'll never believe me now, but I am not judging Christians who participate in Halloween. That's where my crisis of conviction comes in. And it makes me cranky.
I know so many God-loving, Christ-following believers who dress up their kids on Halloween and post pictures for the world to see, and I have no doubt in my mind that when they stand before the Lord, He'll still say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." He most likely won't say, "Wow, you did so great, except for once a year when you celebrated Halloween." So why can't I feel the same freedom to do the same? Every single year I tell myself, "I should cave. This is ridiculous. I'm not making a difference; I'm simply depriving my children of a common childhood ritual." But I feel no peace after that conversation. So I suck it up and pray the month of October away, and breathe a little easier on November 1st.
Verses come to mind, like 1 Corinthians 10:23 (“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.) and Romans 8:1 (Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus) and those verses seem to war within me.
I don't really know what to do. Our church is putting together an incredible family night for the 31st that involves trunk or treating, and it logically sounds like a great idea. But how will the world know we are different if we act just like them? I know it is an extremely popular thing for the church to be culturally relevant these days, but that seems to be a slippery slope to me. Then I have Pumpkin Pie wistfully saying, "I hope I get to wear a cost-yume someday" each time we walk by the multitude of displays in all the stores these days. There is nothing like feeling like a big jerk for depriving your kids of something.
Would Jesus have gone to a Halloween party? I don't know. Would he have stayed home and handed out candy to kids? I don't know. I do know He probably wouldn't have stood on a corner and told all the dressed up kids that they were on a highway to hell, and that's not what I'm trying to do either. I honestly just needed an outlet for this battle that goes on in my head and heart every single year. I'm trying to channel my energy into planning a birthday party for my sweet almost 2-year-old.
And I'm praying for grace every day. For me, and for me to have for everyone else.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Book Review: A Shot of Faith (to the Head)
Enter A Shot of Faith (to the Head). Our world prides themselves on their secular, skeptical, rational view of the world and of all things spiritual. Outspoken atheists smugly declare anyone of faith to be naive and irrational. But Mitch Stokes gently points out that quite possibly atheists are the irrational ones. He dismantles their claims while constructing a simple, yet solid case for Christian belief. He has answers for those who claim that science has proven that God does not exist, and for those who claim that the presence of evil in this world proves that God does not exist.
It has been eight years since I was in college, and while I was there philosophy was no where near my favorite course. This book made me feel like I was back in that class, muddling through and trying to grasp at its ethereal concepts. I'll be honest; much of this book was hard for me to understand. But I wanted to read it, because there are people out there that might use these very arguments, and I don't want them walking away thinking that they've won the debate simply because I had nothing to say. The best part of the book was at the end of each chapter Dr. Stokes provided a feature called "For Your Arsenal," neatly summarizing the main points that we need to hold on to. I do plan to use this book as more of a reference. If questions come up, I can try and dig through the chapters again to find the answers I need.
If you are into philosophy, I'm sure you'll love this book. If you're like me and had a hard time with philosophy in college, you might struggle with this one. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't read it. This book provides real, solid answers to questions that many people have, and if you want to engage those people, then this book can help you.
Thomas Nelson Publishers provided me with a free copy of this book as a part of their blogger program called BookSneeze.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Book Review: Quiet
Enter Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Susan Cain has done extensive research and ardently argued for the value of introverts. Quiet charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal and explores its far-reaching effects. Susan boldly questions the dominant values of the American business culture, and school system for that matter, where forced collaboration can actually inhibit innovation, and where the leadership potential of introverts is often overlooked, simply because introverts defer to the ones making the most noise. Most importantly, she offers exceptional advice on how to navigate extrovert-introvert relationships, how to empower an introverted child, and when it makes sense to be a "pretend extrovert."
I chose this book because I am an introvert. And I have definitely spent many minutes of my life wondering why I can't be extroverted, even after reading all the books that are supposed to help me in that area. I've seen my introverted personality as a handicap that I must either overcome or get used to the disadvantages. In true introverted fashion, I've resigned myself to the latter.
This book changes all that. Yes, our culture prefers extroverts, but that does not mean we can't contribute to the world. We might have to be more aggressive than we are comfortable with, but we can learn how to compensate for that by allowing ourselves to recharge in isolation. Introvert does not mean anti-social either. It just means that we socialize differently, and it's okay that I've never had the desire to go to clubs or big parties or the zoo on a busy Saturday.
This book not only encourages introverts, but it offers valuable insight for extroverts who are interested in strengthening their relationships with the introverts in their life. Everyone should read this book in the name of strengthening community.
This book was sent to me by WaterBrook Press in exchange for an honest review, as a part of their Blogging for Books program.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Soprano Trouble - Chapter 17
At lunch, Summer slowly approached her usual table. Cammie and Brittany were already there; Maddie was no where to be seen.
“Hey, guys,” Summer said quietly, clutching her sack lunch to her chest. Cammie and Brittany continued to eat without looking up.
“Um, can I sit here?” Summer asked a little louder. Cammie stood up.
“This table is too crowded, Brittany,” she announced. “Let’s find somewhere else to sit.” And with that, Summer had her answer.
“No, no,” she said quickly. “I’ll go. But you’re welcome to come eat with me anytime.” Summer hurried away from the table, feeling lost. She was standing at the edge of the cafeteria wondering where to sit when Maddie suddenly appeared at her side.
“Not sitting with them?” she asked.
“They wouldn’t even look at me,” Summer said around the lump in her throat. Maddie put her hand on her arm.
“Summer, you did the right thing. Even before Mr. Camp shut her down. She’ll get over it.”
“I’m not so sure. I’ve known her for a long time,” Summer said.
“Come on,” Maddie said. “Pilar’s table always has seats.” She grinned at Summer and marched in that direction. Pilar was already there, her head down reading a book while she munched on some corn chips.
“Hey Pilar. Can we sit here?” Maddie asked, plopping down in a seat. Pilar looked up, surprised.
“Um, sure,” she said, looking from Maddie to Summer. Summer set her lunch bag down without sitting.
“I’ll understand if you want me to go somewhere else,” Summer said quietly.
“No, no. Sit,” Pilar replied. Summer gave a small smile and sat next to Maddie. All three girls ate their lunch in silence for a few minutes.
“Um, Summer,” Pilar said, clearing her throat. “Thanks for what you said in choir.”
“Oh, sure,” Summer replied.
“And I’m sorry for what I said at church on Sunday. I’m really embarrassed.”
“No, you were right,” Summer said quietly. “I’m sorry I waited so long to say that to Cammie. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“It really is okay,” Pilar said. “I wasn’t being fair by thinking it would be so easy just to ditch a friend like that. And actually, I really admire your loyalty.”
“Wow. Thanks Pilar,” Summer said. She felt the weight lifting off her chest.
“If you’re going to youth group this Friday, I’d really like to go with you,” Pilar said.
“Oh, um, this Friday I was going to spend the night at Maddie’s…” Summer said.
“I’ll go to youth group with you guys,” Maddie piped in. “I went once before. It’s pretty cool. Then Pilar, you could come spend the night at my house too.”
“Really?” Pilar squeaked. Summer was filled with undying admiration for Maddie for including Pilar in their plans.
“Sure. Summer says you’re cool. I believe her,” Maddie said, chomping into her turkey sandwich.
“Maddie, you should have seen the game Pilar came up with in the nursery on Sunday,” Summer said. “It was this animal hunt safari. I would never have thought of that!” Pilar blushed.
“Sounds cool,” Maddie said. “You’ll have to tell me about it. My mom is making me get a babysitting job next summer and I have no idea what to do with little kids.”
“Pilar has tons of games,” Summer said. Pilar smiled and began to describe the safari.
Summer was surprised at how content she felt. She glanced across the cafeteria to Cammie and Brittany’s table. The two of them were talking angrily, no doubt reliving choir. Cammie shot an angry glare over to Summer’s table then jumped up and stalked out of the room. Summer felt a little sadness, but it was overpowered by the joy she felt at having Maddie and Pilar as friends. She had done the right thing and still had friends the end. True, it didn’t seem Cammie would forgive her anytime soon, but Summer was determined to be open to any kind of friendship with Cammie whenever she was ready.
Summer crunched on her chips and smiled at Maddie and Pilar. She couldn’t wait for Friday.
“Hey, guys,” Summer said quietly, clutching her sack lunch to her chest. Cammie and Brittany continued to eat without looking up.
“Um, can I sit here?” Summer asked a little louder. Cammie stood up.
“This table is too crowded, Brittany,” she announced. “Let’s find somewhere else to sit.” And with that, Summer had her answer.
“No, no,” she said quickly. “I’ll go. But you’re welcome to come eat with me anytime.” Summer hurried away from the table, feeling lost. She was standing at the edge of the cafeteria wondering where to sit when Maddie suddenly appeared at her side.
“Not sitting with them?” she asked.
“They wouldn’t even look at me,” Summer said around the lump in her throat. Maddie put her hand on her arm.
“Summer, you did the right thing. Even before Mr. Camp shut her down. She’ll get over it.”
“I’m not so sure. I’ve known her for a long time,” Summer said.
“Come on,” Maddie said. “Pilar’s table always has seats.” She grinned at Summer and marched in that direction. Pilar was already there, her head down reading a book while she munched on some corn chips.
“Hey Pilar. Can we sit here?” Maddie asked, plopping down in a seat. Pilar looked up, surprised.
“Um, sure,” she said, looking from Maddie to Summer. Summer set her lunch bag down without sitting.
“I’ll understand if you want me to go somewhere else,” Summer said quietly.
“No, no. Sit,” Pilar replied. Summer gave a small smile and sat next to Maddie. All three girls ate their lunch in silence for a few minutes.
“Um, Summer,” Pilar said, clearing her throat. “Thanks for what you said in choir.”
“Oh, sure,” Summer replied.
“And I’m sorry for what I said at church on Sunday. I’m really embarrassed.”
“No, you were right,” Summer said quietly. “I’m sorry I waited so long to say that to Cammie. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“It really is okay,” Pilar said. “I wasn’t being fair by thinking it would be so easy just to ditch a friend like that. And actually, I really admire your loyalty.”
“Wow. Thanks Pilar,” Summer said. She felt the weight lifting off her chest.
“If you’re going to youth group this Friday, I’d really like to go with you,” Pilar said.
“Oh, um, this Friday I was going to spend the night at Maddie’s…” Summer said.
“I’ll go to youth group with you guys,” Maddie piped in. “I went once before. It’s pretty cool. Then Pilar, you could come spend the night at my house too.”
“Really?” Pilar squeaked. Summer was filled with undying admiration for Maddie for including Pilar in their plans.
“Sure. Summer says you’re cool. I believe her,” Maddie said, chomping into her turkey sandwich.
“Maddie, you should have seen the game Pilar came up with in the nursery on Sunday,” Summer said. “It was this animal hunt safari. I would never have thought of that!” Pilar blushed.
“Sounds cool,” Maddie said. “You’ll have to tell me about it. My mom is making me get a babysitting job next summer and I have no idea what to do with little kids.”
“Pilar has tons of games,” Summer said. Pilar smiled and began to describe the safari.
Summer was surprised at how content she felt. She glanced across the cafeteria to Cammie and Brittany’s table. The two of them were talking angrily, no doubt reliving choir. Cammie shot an angry glare over to Summer’s table then jumped up and stalked out of the room. Summer felt a little sadness, but it was overpowered by the joy she felt at having Maddie and Pilar as friends. She had done the right thing and still had friends the end. True, it didn’t seem Cammie would forgive her anytime soon, but Summer was determined to be open to any kind of friendship with Cammie whenever she was ready.
Summer crunched on her chips and smiled at Maddie and Pilar. She couldn’t wait for Friday.
The end
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Soprano Trouble - Chapter 16
Monday morning came quicker than Summer was ready for. She slowly walked to the bus stop, still unsure of how she was going to fix things. She saw that Maddie was already at the stop and ran the rest of the way.
“Maddie!” Summer cried. Maddie waved and bounced up and down.
“Man, I wish you weren’t grounded!” Maddie said. “These weekends have been going by so slow.”
“This weekend was my last weekend,” Summer replied. “I’m free!”
“Finally! Now we can get back to normal. Maybe you should come over and spend the night on Friday,” Maddie said.
“Yeah!” Summer said. She was very ready for some quality girl time. “You should see this new nail polish Lisa let me try this weekend. Maybe she’ll let me bring it.”
“Cool!” Maddie said. “We’ll rent the new Reese Witherspoon movie—“ Just then Cammie marched up, cutting Maddie off.
“So, Summer,” she said. “Are you going to sign?”
“Hi Cammie,” Maddie said. “How was your weekend? Mine was good, thanks for asking.” Cammie glared at Maddie and shoved a clipboard in front of Summer.
“I’m sorry,” she said in a frosty tone, “I don’t talk to traitors.”
“Traitor? How am I a traitor?” Maddie replied.
“Any friend who does not stick by her friends on something that is important to them is a traitor. It’s in the dictionary. You won’t sign, you’re a traitor,” Cammie replied.
“Hmm. I’m not sure that’s what the definition of a traitor is,” Maddie said, staring Cammie down.
“Hi guys!” Brittany bounced up to the group. “Did she sign?”
“She was just about to,” Cammie said, handing Summer a pen. Summer swallowed and looked down at the sheet of paper. She couldn’t believe how many signatures Cammie had gotten!
“Well, uh, I actually think it’s okay for Pilar to do two things at the concert,” Summer said quietly. Maddie looked surprised and smiled.
“What?” shrieked Cammie.
“It’s just I still feel so guilty about what we did to her. It’s kind of our fault that she gets to do two things anyway, so I can’t sign,” Summer said. Cammie huffed and grabbed back her clipboard.
“You always were too soft,” Cammie said. “Fine. I won’t make you sign if you still feel guilty about something that wasn’t even our fault.” She marched over to another group of kids with Brittany trailing behind. Summer heaved a huge sigh of relief.
“Why didn’t you just tell her she was wrong?” Maddie asked.
“I don’t know,” Summer replied, feeling miserable. “I’m not as strong as you.”
“Whatever, Summer,” Maddie said. “You totally are. Cammie is not the only person in the school you have to be friends with, you know. Aren’t you afraid she’s going to turn on you someday?”
“Yes,” Summer said miserably. “Is there any way for me to do the right thing and not have Cammie be mad at me?”
“Probably not,” Maddie said. “But seriously, Summer, having Cammie mad at you is not going to be the worst thing in the world. You have me. And I don’t care what she says. I’ll help you.” Summer swallowed and nodded.
“Okay,” she whispered.
The moment of truth came in choir that day. For some reason neither Mr. Camp nor the accompanist showed up right after the bell rang. Cammie saw this as her golden opportunity.
“Alright, everybody,” she announced, standing up. “I’m sure all I need is a few more signatures on this petition to stop the unfair practice of letting Pilar be featured twice at the Christmas concert, and I know a few of you in here haven’t signed. Raise your hands so you can sign now.”
“Cammie!” Maddie exclaimed in disgust. “Pilar is right here you know.” Pilar’s face had turned bright red and she buried her face in her hands.
“Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in, even in front of the people you are against,” Cammie declared. Brittany cheered, and few kids nodded.
“Besides,” she added, “if we don’t make a stand now, soon all the minorities in this school will be expecting special treatment. Pilar is setting a terrible example.”
And with that, Summer had had it.
“Cammie, that’s enough!” Summer jumped to her feet. The room became silent as all eyes stared at her. Even Cammie’s jaw dropped.
“Are you even listening to yourself? You’re mean enough without throwing around racist comments like that. Pilar has done nothing to you. If you are mad enough to pick on someone, it should be Mr. Camp since he’s the one making the decisions.”
“Sit down, Summer,” Cammie said, regaining her control. “I already told you that you didn’t have to sign.”
“Nobody should sign because it’s ridiculous,” Summer replied.
“Wait, what? Why are you defending her?” Cammie asked, glaring at Summer.
“Because she is so nice and funny and talented and doesn’t deserve to be humiliated like this,” she said, squirming under Cammie’s death stare. Summer looked over at Maddie to see her smiling.
“Go on,” Maddie mouthed, giving her a thumbs up.
“Well, maybe you should start your own petition then,” Cammie said, tossing her hair. “I didn’t realize you were such close friends. For that matter, I didn’t realize that you were a traitor like Maddie.”
“Cammie, I don’t want us to stop being friends,” Summer said softly. “I just think it’s time that you give up whatever you’re holding against Pilar. It isn’t right.”
“My dad says it’s always right to stand up for what you believe in,” Cammie said. “And if that means losing you as a friend, then I’ll do it.”
“Oh, Cammie,” Summer said. “Look, my offer to be your friend will always be there. But I can’t stand by you anymore.” A tear dripped down Summer’s face as she sat back down.
“Next time you take a stand, Cammie, take a stand against the dirty water fountains,” Maddie said. “Now that is something we can get behind.” All the kids started to laugh as Mr. Camp and the accompanist came in the room.
“Sorry, sorry,” Mr. Camp said, not looking at the students as he shuffled around his music. “We got tied up in a meeting with Mrs. Dobson. Let’s get started so we don’t waste any more time.”
“Wait, Mr. Camp,” Cammie said. “I have a petition here for you.”
“A what?” he said, looking up. “What for?” Pilar looked up at Mr. Camp, then over at Summer.
“Well, a lot of us feel it is unfair for Pilar to be featured twice in the concert,” Cammie said. “We all signed.” She handed the petition to Mr. Camp.
“NOT all of us,” Maddie piped in.
“Yeah,” Summer said. “I didn’t sign.” Mr. Camp scanned the petition, then turned a stern look on Cammie.
“Cammie, do you remember why Pilar didn’t get to sing her solo in the Fall concert?” he asked.
“Well, yes, but why then does she get two…” Cammie began.
“If things had gone according to my plan, she’d only get one this time; playing the piano,” Mr. Camp said firmly. “But since she was so rudely prevented from singing her solo then, it is only fair that she gets to sing for this concert. And I happen to have a Christmas piece that will be perfect for her to play the piano on. I will not change my program just because she wasn’t able to sing her solo last time. Does that make sense?”
“Yes,” Cammie said quietly.
“And Cammie, maybe you, Mrs. Dobson and I should have a conversation about your participation in choir. It seems to be a bit much for you, and I wouldn’t want to be the one causing you all this stress,” Mr. Camp said.
“No, no need sir,” Cammie said quickly. She hurried to her seat and sat down without looking at anyone.
“Good. I’m glad that’s settled. Everyone stand up so we can begin our warm-ups. I feel this class is already half wasted, and we don’t have a lot of time before our Christmas concert.”
Summer peeked at Cammie as she stood up. Cammie was staring straight ahead, face flushed and jaw set. Summer was glad that it was all settled, but still had a rock in her stomach, knowing she may have lost one of her oldest friends.
“Maddie!” Summer cried. Maddie waved and bounced up and down.
“Man, I wish you weren’t grounded!” Maddie said. “These weekends have been going by so slow.”
“This weekend was my last weekend,” Summer replied. “I’m free!”
“Finally! Now we can get back to normal. Maybe you should come over and spend the night on Friday,” Maddie said.
“Yeah!” Summer said. She was very ready for some quality girl time. “You should see this new nail polish Lisa let me try this weekend. Maybe she’ll let me bring it.”
“Cool!” Maddie said. “We’ll rent the new Reese Witherspoon movie—“ Just then Cammie marched up, cutting Maddie off.
“So, Summer,” she said. “Are you going to sign?”
“Hi Cammie,” Maddie said. “How was your weekend? Mine was good, thanks for asking.” Cammie glared at Maddie and shoved a clipboard in front of Summer.
“I’m sorry,” she said in a frosty tone, “I don’t talk to traitors.”
“Traitor? How am I a traitor?” Maddie replied.
“Any friend who does not stick by her friends on something that is important to them is a traitor. It’s in the dictionary. You won’t sign, you’re a traitor,” Cammie replied.
“Hmm. I’m not sure that’s what the definition of a traitor is,” Maddie said, staring Cammie down.
“Hi guys!” Brittany bounced up to the group. “Did she sign?”
“She was just about to,” Cammie said, handing Summer a pen. Summer swallowed and looked down at the sheet of paper. She couldn’t believe how many signatures Cammie had gotten!
“Well, uh, I actually think it’s okay for Pilar to do two things at the concert,” Summer said quietly. Maddie looked surprised and smiled.
“What?” shrieked Cammie.
“It’s just I still feel so guilty about what we did to her. It’s kind of our fault that she gets to do two things anyway, so I can’t sign,” Summer said. Cammie huffed and grabbed back her clipboard.
“You always were too soft,” Cammie said. “Fine. I won’t make you sign if you still feel guilty about something that wasn’t even our fault.” She marched over to another group of kids with Brittany trailing behind. Summer heaved a huge sigh of relief.
“Why didn’t you just tell her she was wrong?” Maddie asked.
“I don’t know,” Summer replied, feeling miserable. “I’m not as strong as you.”
“Whatever, Summer,” Maddie said. “You totally are. Cammie is not the only person in the school you have to be friends with, you know. Aren’t you afraid she’s going to turn on you someday?”
“Yes,” Summer said miserably. “Is there any way for me to do the right thing and not have Cammie be mad at me?”
“Probably not,” Maddie said. “But seriously, Summer, having Cammie mad at you is not going to be the worst thing in the world. You have me. And I don’t care what she says. I’ll help you.” Summer swallowed and nodded.
“Okay,” she whispered.
The moment of truth came in choir that day. For some reason neither Mr. Camp nor the accompanist showed up right after the bell rang. Cammie saw this as her golden opportunity.
“Alright, everybody,” she announced, standing up. “I’m sure all I need is a few more signatures on this petition to stop the unfair practice of letting Pilar be featured twice at the Christmas concert, and I know a few of you in here haven’t signed. Raise your hands so you can sign now.”
“Cammie!” Maddie exclaimed in disgust. “Pilar is right here you know.” Pilar’s face had turned bright red and she buried her face in her hands.
“Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in, even in front of the people you are against,” Cammie declared. Brittany cheered, and few kids nodded.
“Besides,” she added, “if we don’t make a stand now, soon all the minorities in this school will be expecting special treatment. Pilar is setting a terrible example.”
And with that, Summer had had it.
“Cammie, that’s enough!” Summer jumped to her feet. The room became silent as all eyes stared at her. Even Cammie’s jaw dropped.
“Are you even listening to yourself? You’re mean enough without throwing around racist comments like that. Pilar has done nothing to you. If you are mad enough to pick on someone, it should be Mr. Camp since he’s the one making the decisions.”
“Sit down, Summer,” Cammie said, regaining her control. “I already told you that you didn’t have to sign.”
“Nobody should sign because it’s ridiculous,” Summer replied.
“Wait, what? Why are you defending her?” Cammie asked, glaring at Summer.
“Because she is so nice and funny and talented and doesn’t deserve to be humiliated like this,” she said, squirming under Cammie’s death stare. Summer looked over at Maddie to see her smiling.
“Go on,” Maddie mouthed, giving her a thumbs up.
“Well, maybe you should start your own petition then,” Cammie said, tossing her hair. “I didn’t realize you were such close friends. For that matter, I didn’t realize that you were a traitor like Maddie.”
“Cammie, I don’t want us to stop being friends,” Summer said softly. “I just think it’s time that you give up whatever you’re holding against Pilar. It isn’t right.”
“My dad says it’s always right to stand up for what you believe in,” Cammie said. “And if that means losing you as a friend, then I’ll do it.”
“Oh, Cammie,” Summer said. “Look, my offer to be your friend will always be there. But I can’t stand by you anymore.” A tear dripped down Summer’s face as she sat back down.
“Next time you take a stand, Cammie, take a stand against the dirty water fountains,” Maddie said. “Now that is something we can get behind.” All the kids started to laugh as Mr. Camp and the accompanist came in the room.
“Sorry, sorry,” Mr. Camp said, not looking at the students as he shuffled around his music. “We got tied up in a meeting with Mrs. Dobson. Let’s get started so we don’t waste any more time.”
“Wait, Mr. Camp,” Cammie said. “I have a petition here for you.”
“A what?” he said, looking up. “What for?” Pilar looked up at Mr. Camp, then over at Summer.
“Well, a lot of us feel it is unfair for Pilar to be featured twice in the concert,” Cammie said. “We all signed.” She handed the petition to Mr. Camp.
“NOT all of us,” Maddie piped in.
“Yeah,” Summer said. “I didn’t sign.” Mr. Camp scanned the petition, then turned a stern look on Cammie.
“Cammie, do you remember why Pilar didn’t get to sing her solo in the Fall concert?” he asked.
“Well, yes, but why then does she get two…” Cammie began.
“If things had gone according to my plan, she’d only get one this time; playing the piano,” Mr. Camp said firmly. “But since she was so rudely prevented from singing her solo then, it is only fair that she gets to sing for this concert. And I happen to have a Christmas piece that will be perfect for her to play the piano on. I will not change my program just because she wasn’t able to sing her solo last time. Does that make sense?”
“Yes,” Cammie said quietly.
“And Cammie, maybe you, Mrs. Dobson and I should have a conversation about your participation in choir. It seems to be a bit much for you, and I wouldn’t want to be the one causing you all this stress,” Mr. Camp said.
“No, no need sir,” Cammie said quickly. She hurried to her seat and sat down without looking at anyone.
“Good. I’m glad that’s settled. Everyone stand up so we can begin our warm-ups. I feel this class is already half wasted, and we don’t have a lot of time before our Christmas concert.”
Summer peeked at Cammie as she stood up. Cammie was staring straight ahead, face flushed and jaw set. Summer was glad that it was all settled, but still had a rock in her stomach, knowing she may have lost one of her oldest friends.
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